ooo la la!

MEN!

I hear guys talking a lot of trash about how they are “men.” This
shallow society allows males to believe they are “men” if they just
reach a certain age, or make a lot of money, or have an MBA, or own a
cool car, or wear nice clothes, or date a lot of women, or father a
child, or have a big penis. For some unknown reason, any one of these
things qualifies you as a man in this image based culture. But all
these things mean nothing. They are just fluff.

A real man has all these things, but that is not what makes him a real
man. I know men in their 40’s who have all this and act like children.
They live without responsibility or honor. They behave like pubescent
teenage boys. There is nothing wrong with being young at heart, but
there is a huge difference between having a youthful spirit and being
immature.

A gentleman is defined by his thoughts and his deeds. Nothing else.
Not by his money.
Not by his possessions.
And most certainly not by his words.
Words are superfluous.
I hear women complaining about their BOY problems. And that is exactly
why they have problems. They are with BOYS not MEN. When you are with
a real man you rarely have problems. Many women delude themselves into
believing their partner is a real man. They will consider you a real
man if you simply work hard, take care of your family, and are loyal.
As long as you have these 3 traits they will overlook other flaws. You
may have a nice fella, but he is not a real man. A few good qualities
does not a man make. Being a man requires consistent improvement on a
long list of attributes.

So for all of you children out there, here are the basics.

21 Rules Of A Real Man

Always face fear. Understand its value.
Know who you are and what your true purpose is.
Live as a true gentleman. Don’t act it, be it.
Be devoted to a cause larger than yourself.
Never talk about what you are going to do, just do it.
Have financial security. Have a 5 year plan.
Own your own home.
Build your own business. Be a self made man.
Constantly challenge your mind and body.
Shape your body into a model of perfection.
Have close relations with your family.
Be in touch with your roots, culture, and language.
Have a genuine understanding of your faith.
Strive to understand the world and its history.
Participate in some form of charity.
Be able to physically defend one self and loved ones.
Be an expert in the arts of romance, love and sex.
Be prepared for all emergencies.
Train to dance properly.
Learn to cook properly.
Be able to legally defend one self and loved ones.
Many of you males out there may read this and your first instinct is
to say, ” Is this guy insane? This is asking way too much.” If that is
honestly how you feel, cut your penis off and start wearing panties.
If your gut reaction is cynicism, you are one of the little boys I
mentioned earlier. Change into a fresh pair of diapers and go play in
the sandbox. This will leave more women for the real men.

For the rest of you who are actually interested in growing up, it is
not necessary to have this list completed in the next 48 hours. But if
you start working on it, eventually it will get done. Whether it is in
1 year or 10 years. At least you will know you are working towards
something. The struggle to improve oneself is just as noble as the end
result.

And in case none of you idiots figured it out, completing this list
will attract more women than any Ferrari, cell phone, or Armani suit.
Seriously.

2 THINGS EVERY WOMAN NEEDS

There are 2 things a woman should always feel. PROTECTED and DESIRED.

What I mean is, if you are a heterosexual man, those are the 2 things
that your woman should feel when she is with you as a direct result of
your ACTIONS. Actions not WORDS. Words alone are completely worthless.

I use the word “protected” instead of “safe” because their is a
distinction. Safe implies that there is nothing dangerous present.
Protected means you will defend her from physical danger, destitution,
slander, and legal attacks.

When it comes to verbal or physical attacks against her person I do
not condone exaggerated displays of machismo which more than anything
expose your insecurities. A true gentlemen should be mature enough to
ignore most attacks with his pride intact. But once a certain line has
been crossed, if you do not act, whether she will admit it or not, you
will have lost her trust. Again, I am not suggesting immature acts of
violence or “chest puffing.” A real man should be able to find a way
to resolve a situation firmly and maintain a cool composure.

When I say “desired” there is no way to misinterpret what I mean. SHE
SHOULD FEEL DESIRED. I don’t mean vulgar groping or caveman acts of
ownership. Give her space to breathe. I mean holding hands, a kiss
when entering and leaving a room, subtle caresses, telling looks,
whispers of affection, and a pinch on the cheek when no one is
looking.

And most importantly, know when to “make love” and know when to F*CK.
Forgive my profanity, but every woman wants to be f*cked now and then.
Even the most conservative uptight prude wants to be attacked by a mix
of lust and anger that excites and scares her. I pity the human who
does not ever experience being “taken” by that kind of carnal
spontaneity. How can you tell when it will happen? Easily. Before you
“make love” there is a romantic dinner, soul searching conversation,
or perhaps you have come from a special night with friends and family
that made you feel so happy you want to express your mutual respect
and love with your soulmate. Before you f*ck, there is only a look
that warns you about what is about to happen, a chase, the ripping off
of clothes, and then someone gets bent over something.

Making a woman feel desired should not be “work.” Consider what would
happen if she does not feel wanted by the man she desires.

When a woman cheats on a man, she is only partially to blame. Whenever
ANYONE succumbs to infidelity it is because they were looking for
something that was lacking in their relationship. Whether it was
attention, money, excitement, intelligence or just a bigger tool. Is
is cliche but it is true, if the man was “taking care of business” at
home there would be no wandering eye to blame. So don’t blame the
other man, blame yourself. Your woman should receive so much attention
that she won’t have the time or the energy to look elsewhere.

Just remember fellas, if you do not have the time to make your woman
feel protected and desired, there are men out there who will.
Including me.

Back to the current posting

—Eliot Chang

people curse too much.

Correction, UNEDUCATED people curse way too
much. It is pathetic when grown men curse gratuitously during a
conversation. It makes them look like children. When someone curses
constantly it means they have a small vocabulary. You do not always
need to use expletives as verbs, nouns, and adjectives.

Haven’t you noticed that the younger someone is the more profanity
they use? Younger people like to use profanity because it makes them
feel mature. But real adults never curse. When is the last time you
saw a gentleman curse at work, or in church, or on a date?

Curse words lose all their power when overused. If you never curse,
when you finally do everyone will stop and listen. You should only do
so in order to emphasize a point. Profanity is acceptable in 3
instances; extreme emotion, extreme pain, and during sex. Correction,
during good sex.

On stage I do curse from time to time. Certain comic material needs
profanity to be funny. However, that does not mean profanity is always
funny. Off stage I try not to swear. I want to be seen as an adult who
knows how to practice discretion.

Here is a little warning for you. If you do not curb your profanity,
it will emerge in casual conversation without you realizing it. You
don’t want to be at McDonald’s and blurt out,” Yeah, give me a
motherf-ckin happy meal, and supersize that sh-t, bitch!”

So do yourself a favor, pick up a thesaurus, expand your vocabulary,
and show some class.

—Eliot Chang

hoochie papas

They are everywhere. They come in all colors and sizes. They give good
men a bad name. They are Hoochie Pappas. They consider themselves to
be “players,” but true players do not live at home with their parents.
Shaft had his own place. Seriously, why do most Hoochie Pappas still
live at home? Write me if you know. Just like Hoochie Mammas, you can
find them at clubs, bars and parties.

How can you spot them? EASY. Fake gold chains, barbwire or tribal
tattoos, too much gel, tight shirts (usually sleeveless), latest
clothing, latest sneakers, cigarette in one hand, cell phone in the
other, and 2 beepers on the belt. They take more time putting
themselves together than Batman. If you don’t see them, you will smell
them. They shower in cologne. They compete with other HP’s to get as
many phone numbers as possible. But once they meet a woman, they will
never take her to the club because it prevents them from meeting other
women. Vicious cycle, isn’t it? And they will never give you a real
home number.

In the parking lot they will be driving $15,000 cars “suped up” with
$50,000 worth of accessories. Look for the Honda or Toyota with neon
lights, a ridiculously large spoiler, and sound system so loud the
bass blows your hair back. They should have saved that money and put a
down payment on a house.

Hoochie Pappas smoke a cigarette like it is an art form. There is more
choreography than “CATS”: lighting the cigarette in a cool way,
inhaling with a cool sneer, blowing out the smoke in cool circles or a
long cool puff, and then flicking their butt away like cool James
Dean, even though a garbage can is 2 feet away.

Every sentence consists of clichés, proverbs, rhymes, and as much
slang as possible. Every sentence sounds like a movie line. There is
never any real conversation. It is all about a cool image and looking
tough. It is a crime to crack a smile if it means losing composure.
And they use way too much profanity. HP’s don’t realize that even if
you’re wearing an Armani suit, gratuitous cursing tells me you have a
limited vocabulary and a low class mentality.

They love to be seen as “bad boys.” They act tough and are always
looking for a fight. But they are frauds. Spiky dyed hair, tattoos,
leather and talking trash does not make you bad. They don’t have the
first clue to what being a real man is all about (see previous entries
for more details). If you are still trying to be a bad boy pass the
age of 21, you are a loser. The only way you are truly a bad boy is to
be in prison. And I am not willing to trade anal rape for a bad
reputation.

Hoochie Pappas are all style and no substance. They don’t spend much
time on their minds and facing their true emotions so when their
masculinity is threatened they behave like children. They can’t
function at a social event without a drink in their hand. Their
confidence comes in a shot glass. They talk loudly and abrasively to
get everyone’s attention, and love to talk in sexual innuendos. They
are threatened by intelligent conversation. Sports, cars, lifting
weights, and drinking stories are the only dialogue they have to
share. If you want a HP to go away, start talking about politics or
ethics. That will put him into a stupor faster than chloroform.

They think opening doors for a woman is the only etiquette they need
to know. They do not understand that being a gentleman is a lifestyle
choice. To a male hoochie, chivalry and romance are just an act to
make a good impression until the clothes come off. Interestingly
enough, all HP’s are Mommas boys. They always talk about how much they
love their mothers, but they seem fine with disrespecting all the
other women on the planet. Can you spell hypocrisy? They can’t.

Hoochie Pappas talk big about the future. “I am going to have a lot of
money, a big house and nice cars.” They never actually make solid
plans past the upcoming weekend’s parties. In college they are pre-med
or pre-law because it sounds good to women. After all, a fake future
is less work than real accomplishments. They are unemployed for the
first year out of college and when they find a job they are happy to
be paid by the hour as long as they have enough money for happy hour.
They are content with jobs instead of CAREERS.

Many Hoochie Pappas are “babies daddies.”
Many Hoochie Pappas are repressed homosexuals.
Many Hoochie Pappas are constantly trying to be cool.

But all Hoochie Pappas are one thing - CHILDREN. Whining little
children. Their flaw is the same flaw shared by Hoochie Mammas. They
do not grow as individuals. They do not expand their minds, broaden
their horizons, or explore their individuality. They are carbon copies
of each other. You could have the same exact conversation with 5 of
them.

For any HP’s who are reading this, if you a problem with this - TOUGH.
It is time to grow up. I did. I know who I am, I am happy with who I
am, and I do not care what anyone else thinks. I am not the cause of
your problem, you are. I am just the messenger. So SUCK ON THAT!

If you want to confront me, BRING IT ON. I am a MAN who does not run
from CHILDREN. And just so you don’t think I am “player hating,” read
my last entry, “Hoochie Mammas.”

Credit to Eliot Chang

Hoochie Mammas

Eliot Chang is an amazing comedian. He used to have a blog which ironically he doesn’t really update because he even says people who keeps blogs have no life. :(
I would have to agree with his statement but I like to share some of his blog because he is inspiring and gives you the wake up call kinda thing.  

Credit to Eliot Chang 

They are everywhere. They are like cockroaches. They will survive a
nuclear holocaust. They are “hoochie mammas.” Before I venture into
this tirade, let me state that this is not about hating women. It’s
about hating skanks. If this offends you, you are a skank. You have
every right to be one, just don’t act surprised if someone calls you
one.

It is acceptable to hoochify yourself every now and then. But not 24
hours a day, 8 days a week. Not at work, not at church, and not on a
first date. If you dress like a hooker all the time, no one will take
you seriously. Whenever I see a girl wearing a skirt so short that
everyone can see her spleen, I know she is carrying a truckload of
emotional baggage. She is trying to fill a hole in her soul that can
only be patched up with attention. Either Daddy didn’t hold her
enough, or Mommy didn’t love her enough, or her creepy Uncle loved her
WAY TOO MUCH.

Hoochies spend all their time on their appearance and think they
deserve special treatment for looking good. It’s a shame they don’t
spend the same amount of time and energy on developing their
character. What you have on the outside gets a man, but what you have
on the inside keeps a man.

It is easy to spot this species in clubs. Short skirts, high heels,
tight tops (that say phat, hottie, or sexy), too much cleavage, too
much makeup, drink in one hand, cell phone in the other, and a tattoo
of a butterfly or heart, on their shoulder, ankle, lower back, or
breast. They always travel in packs. They dance in the classic wagon
train circle formation which is impermeable to men (or they will dance
provocatively in pairs, smacking each other on the rump to fuel the
male lesbian fantasy) and then they complain about not meeting anyone
new.

They behave like ravenous drunken slobs and then wonder why they can’t
meet a real gentleman. They love to tease men sexually, but they want
to meet someone who wants them for their minds. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE
ROOFIES! They want a man who is successful, wealthy, handsome, and
intelligent. But what do they have to offer except looks that will
fade away after 5 more years of barhopping?

Hoochie mammas always talk trash. I have never met a girl who is
actually as wild as she claims to be. Having tattoos and piercings do
not make you wild. Showing cleavage and shaking your rump does not
make you wild. Drinking heavily does not make you wild. It makes you a
lush. Having a lot of sex does not make you wild. There is a huge
difference between a woman who is sexually empowered and a slut. You
want to show me how wild you are? Go jet skiing in shark infested
waters. Race formula cars at 200 mph. Wrestle alligators naked. That
will impress me more than dancing on the bar.

HM’s are never willing to commit seriously to anything or anyone, so
their lives become an endless series of whims. At a club they don’t
want to be stuck with just one guy because it ruins their chances of
being noticed by other guys. Their lives become meaningless. If you
want to see what a deer looks like when it is caught in the
headlights, just ask a hoochie what her 5 year plan is. They complain
about everything under the sun, but never make solid plans to solve
their problems. Their future goals are grandiose and vague, “I am
going to be successful, I am going to change the world, I am going to
help people.” HOW? Is there a cleavage shortage in Ethiopia?

Some hoochies will try to defend themselves with their education. NEWS
FLASH; having a college degree does not de-hoochify yourself. I have
met Ivy league hoochies. The only difference is that they can
conjugate Latin as they throw up in the parking lot. Any monkey can
memorize a book. What separates us from the simians is independent
thought and etiquette. Being loud does not make you confident, it
makes you annoying.

Hoochie mammas think being “hot” justifies their existence. They think
being beautiful and knowing how to dance is enough. You’re hot? SO
WHAT? Do you know how many beautiful women there are in the world? And
there are plenty of beautiful women who have real careers, real goals,
and real brains.

I like a girl with great hair.
I like a girl with great curves.
I like a girl with great clothes.
But I LOVE a WOMAN with intelligence and class.
It is possible to show off your figure with class. You don’t have to
look like you should be sliding around a pole with dollar bills in
your g-string. Maybe you think I sound bitter. Maybe you think I don’t
meet any women. I do just fine. Yes, I am guilty of dating hoochie
mammas in the past. Sometimes in the present. But that is only because
there are undercover hoochie mammas. It takes a few dates to see
through their disguise.

Again, I do not hate women. I adore women. That is why HM’s are so
vile to me. They give a bad name to good women. And just so you ladies
don’t think I am a misogynist, check back for my next entry, “Hoochie
Pappas.”

This is to any woman (or man)….

Crucial

Because of recent abductions

In daylight hours, refresh yourself

Of these things to do

In an emergency situation…

This is for you,

And for you to share

With your wife,

Your children,

Everyone you know.

After reading these 9 crucial tips,

Forward them to someone you care about.

It never hurts to be careful

In this crazy world we live in. 
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :

The elbow is the strongest point

On your body.

If you are close enough to use it, do! 
2… Learned this from a tourist guide.

If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,

DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM.

Toss it away from you….

Chances are that he is more interested

In your wallet and/or purse than you,

And he will go for the wallet/purse.

RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car,

Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole

And start waving like crazy..

The driver won’t see you, but everybody else will.

This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars

After shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit

(doing their chequebook, or making a list, etc.

DON’T DO THIS!)

The predator will be watching you, and this

Is the perfect opportunity for him to get in

On the passenger side, put a gun to your head,

And tell you where to go.

AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,

LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.. 

If someone

Is in the car

With a gun

To your head

DO NOT DRIVE OFF,

Repeat:

DO NOT DRIVE OFF!

Instead gun the engine

And speed into anything, wrecking the car.

Your Air Bag will save you.

If the person is in the back seat

They will get the worst of it .

As soon as the car crashes

Bail out and run.

It is better than having them find your body

In a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting

Into your car in a parking lot,

Or parking garage:

A.) Be aware:

Look around you,

Look into your car,

At the passenger side floor ,

And in the back seat

B.) If you are parked next to a big van,

Enter your car from the passenger door.

Most serial killers attack their victims

By pulling them into their vans while the women

Are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car

Parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle,

And the passenger side…. If a male is sitting alone

In the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back

Into the mall, or work, and get a

Guard/policeman to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator

instead of the stairs.

Stairwells are horrible places to be alone

and the perfect crime spot.

This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun

and you are not under his control,

ALWAYS RUN!

The predator will only hit you (a running target)

4 in 100 times; and even then,

it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ.

RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying

to be sympathetic:

STOP

It may get you raped, or killed.

Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking,

well educated man, who ALWAYS played

on the sympathies of unsuspecting women.

He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often

asked ‘for help’ into his vehicle or with his vehicle,

which is when he abducted 
his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point:

Someone just told me that her friend heard

a crying baby on her porch the night before last,

and she called the police because it was late

and she thought it was weird.. The police told her

‘Whatever you do, DO NOT

open the door…’

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby

had crawled near a window, and she was worried

that it would crawl to the street and get run over.

The policeman said, ‘We already have a unit on the way,

whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.’

He told her that they think a serial killer

has a baby’s cry recorded and uses it to coax

women out of their homes thinking that someone

dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it,

but have had several calls by women saying that

they hear baby’s cries outside their doors

when they’re home alone at night.

10. Water scam!

If you wake up in the middle
of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a
burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your
outside taps full ball so that you will go out to investigate and
then attack.

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbours!

It may save a life.. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle..

to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it

Tooth Extraction

Yea, I had a tooth extraction. It wasn’t that painful.

Disorder in the American Courts

chain mail

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when
I am with you..

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won’t make you cry. 

3. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to,
doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

4. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is
falling in love with your smile.

5. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. 

6. Don’t waste your time on a man/woman, who isn’t willing to waste
their time on you.

7. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the
right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how
to be grateful.

8. Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened. 

9. There’s always going to be people that hurt you so what you have
to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust
next time around.

10. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try
and know someone else and expect them to know you.

11. Don’t try so hard, the best things come when you! least expect them to. 

The Three Trees

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were
discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, 
“Someday, I hope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with 
gold, silver and precious gems.  I could be decorated with
intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty.”

Then the second tree said, “Someday I will be a mighty ship. I 
will take kings and queens across the waters and sail to the 
corners of the world. Everyone will feel safe in me because of
the strength of my hull.”

Finally the third tree said, “I want to grow to be the tallest 
and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of 
the
Hill and look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and
God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest
tree of all time and people will always remember me.” 

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, 
a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the
first tree he said, “This looks like a strong tree, I think I
should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter,” and he began 
cutting it down. The tree was happy because he knew that the 
carpenter would make him into treasure chest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, “This looks like a strong
tree, I should be able to sell it to the shipyard.”  The second 
tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a 
mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was
frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams
would not come true. One of the woodsmen said, “I don’t need 
anything special from my tree, I’ll take this one,” and he cut
it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into
a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled 
with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for. The second
tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of
being a mighty ship and carrying King had come to an end. The
third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark. 
The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.

Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth
and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was
made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made 
a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree
could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had
held the greatest Treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from 
the second tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep.  While
they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree
didn’t think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men
woke the sleeping man, and He stood and said “Peace” and the 
storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had carried
the King of Kings in its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried
through the streets as the people mocked the man who was 
carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the
tree and raised in the air to die At the top of a hill. When
Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough
to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was 
possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don’t seem to be
going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you
place your trust in Him, He will give you great gifts. Each of 
the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had
imagined. We don’t always know what God’s plans are for us. We
just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are
always best.

Please keep this moving…pass it on, so He may inspire more
people on the way. May your day be blessed. And until we meet
again, may God cradle you in the palm of His hand.